


The Gay Ear

by xol (firetruck)



Series: Local Book Club Ruins Everything [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gangsters, Alternate Universe - Lotto (Music Video), Crack, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 03:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9416084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firetruck/pseuds/xol
Summary: Minseok gets his ears pierced and everyone more or less works together to figure it out what it means. (Also, Junmyeon desperately tries to keep the family together but the gang is having none of it.)





	1. the gang gets a mall photo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> minseok gets his ear pierced, not that anyone notices

“I should be in the middle,” Junmyeon says, already sitting in the middle. 

“The youngest should be in the middle!” Sehun walks towards Junmyeon with a purpose, but finds himself walking on thin air when he’s lifted by his collar. Yelling in protest, he twists around to glare at the only person tall enough (and brave enough) to grab him like that. 

“You’re arguing for the sake of arguing again,” Kris points out, Sehun dangling from his giant hand like a slab of meat. 

“Put him down, Kris! You’re ruining his collar!”

“Nice to know you care about /me/,” Sehun huffs, still swinging mid-air. He thrashes around wildly until Kris drops him like a hot potato and he darts away. 

Chanyeol is scratching himself wildly when he wanders over, Kyungsoo tailing behind him. His neck is covered in red patches as his hands struggle to stretch behind his back to reach another itch. Kyungsoo is smiling serenely. 

“You’re shedding and scratching like a dog,” Jongin observes as he walks past. Sure enough, there’s a faint trail of sweater fuzz leading all the way to Chanyeol. 

“The matching sweaters Junmyeon gave us all are uncomfortable and unfashionable,” Kyungsoo explains. “He’s probably allergic or whatever.” 

Chanyeol pales at the thought of being allergic to sweaters. 

“Does this mean I can never wear another sweater ever again? But they’re all I have!” 

Kyungsoo falls silent in the face of his colleague’s massive stupidity and Chanyeol races away to find Junmyeon. Jongdae pops up behind Kyungsoo with an accusing tone. 

“You put itching powder in his sweater, didn't you?” 

“I don’t know what you're talking about,” he shrugs. 

“I saw you ordering extra strength snake skin itching powder online like a week ago,” Jongdae hisses. 

“So what?”

“So, stop trying to give everyone hives!” 

“Hmm…hives..” Kyungsoo walks away, deep in thought, completely ignoring the yells for him to stop.

“Don’t you dare order live bees and mail them to our house again! That was fucked up, man! Are you listening? Get back here!” 

“Dude, chill. We can just hide his beekeeper suit,” Baekhyun chimes, catching the tail end of the conversation. 

“Damn, you’re right. Let’s cover his eyebrows in honey too. The hunter will become the hunted.”

Before they can complete their preemptive plan against Kyungsoo, the photographer asks them all to return to the set, where Junmyeon has been sitting for the past half hour. Everyone reluctantly shuffles to the center, feeling extremely out of place in such an innocent setting. 

“I don’t get why we’re taking a family photo? We’re a gang and none of us are related?”

“I bought these matching sweaters for us all with my blood, sweat, and tears! It’s for our one year anniversary as a successful group, and you will wear them regardless of how itchy they might be,” He glances at Chanyeol, who’s still scratching, “and you _will_  participate in this family event.” 

The photographer motions for them to scoot closer. Everyone is uncomfortably pressed up against each other. 

“I don’t want to take a family photo,” Sehun whines. 

“Smile for the fucking camera so we can look like a happy fucking family for once in our lives,” Junmyeon bites out through gritted teeth. 

Yixing turns around in his seat to look up at Luhan, who’s standing behind him. 

“Lu, your dick is against my shoulder.” 

“Sorry. He said move closer.” 

Zitao snorts and the photographer takes a photo at that exact moment. Junmyeon swivels to glare at Kris, who’s standing on the very edge of the group. Kris eventually meets his gaze blankly and Junmyeon gestures. Kris still has a blank look on his face. 

“Control them!” Junmyeon throws his hands up in the air, exasperated. “Are you a leader or not?”

“I thought it was your turn today.”

 

***

 

Yixing has had his hand raised for five minutes now. 

“Could you put your hand down? You’re blocking the person behind you.” The photographer lowers his camera, puzzled and a bit irritated. 

“How many times have I told you that you don’t need to raise your hand to say something?” Kris heaves a sigh. “Yixing. What is it?”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but…” His gaze sweeps across the room. “Where’s Minseok?”

Silence falls as everyone turns their heads to look for him, and all hell breaks loose when he’s nowhere in sight. Kris flicks the top of Luhan’s head and raises his voice. 

“How did you not notice? Why was Yixing the one to bring this up and not you?” 

“Yeah,” Sehun scoffs, “So much for being Minseok’s number one fan.”

“Oh my god,” Junmyeon exclaims, a worried expression painted across his face, “How did no one notice?”

Kyungsoo shrugs. “I noticed.”

“Well, why didn't you say something?!” Junmyeon stands up.

Kyungsoo surveys his gang members. Luhan is curled on the floor, Kris and Yixing standing over him. Kris is lecturing and Yixing is counting the bumps in the popcorn ceiling. Zitao is on his phone texting Sehun, who’s sitting right next to him, and Chanyeol is telling them to call the police and file a missing person’s report. Kyungsoo crosses his arms. 

“He deserves better, that’s why.”

Amidst all the chaos, Minseok strolls into the studio to catch sight of Jongdae and Baekhyun performing a strange dance and chanting, “O Minseok, return to us! Why have you forsaken us?!” while Jongin stands by their side, wringing his hands. He decides to approach the photographer instead. 

“Sorry, am I late? Did we start already?”

“…You’re fine. You can go sit in the middle.” 

Nodding his head, Minseok warily walks into the middle of the studio and sits down. The photographer raises his camera again. 

 

***

 

“You can pinpoint the exact moment when Luhan starts crying,” Jongdae says gleefully. The photographs, now developed, are being reviewed by everyone. 

“Look at this!” Baekhyun arranges three of the photos on the table. “The camera captured three frames of Luhan flying into Minseok’s lap once he realized he came back.”

“Yeah,” Zitao sneers, holding an ice pack to his nose, “It also captured him elbowing my face. Do you know how much my nose is insured for?” 

Sure enough, Luhan’s elbow can be seen in front of Zitao’s face in one photo, and in the next his phone is smushed against his face.

“Make me a copy,” he snaps. “I’m going to sue him, and this is evidence.” 

Kyungsoo nudges him over and points to the upper right corner of the photos. “I think the real question is, what the fuck were Jongdae and Baekhyun doing?” 

“Summoning Minseok,” comes the matter-of-fact reply. 

“Okay. And why is Jongin there too, crying?” 

“We needed his tears. Everyone knows nothing makes Minseok act faster than maknae tears!”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes into the back of head and leaves the living room. 

“Whoa,” Chanyeol says. “What’s going on with Yixing? He’s like…floating?” 

Kris leans over to take a look. 

“Oh. He’s just astral projecting.”

“…Holy shit.”

“Guys, can’t we just use the regular photos?” Junmyeon waves around a thin stack of photos in the air. “I’m going to frame these and put them up on the wall, you know.” 

Jongdae boos him. “Stop forcing us to conform to normality!”

“Usurper!” Baekhyun screams, assuming a protective stance over the photos. 

“Do you even know what that means?” Kyungsoo walks back into the room with a drink. 

“No!” 

“How about one normal photo and two silly ones?” Minseok pipes up from his spot on the couch. Jongin has his arm snaked around his shoulders, taking advantage of Luhan’s absence. He’s been confined to his room by Kris to reflect on his actions. 

“Good idea,” Jongin chirps. 

“But..but…” Junmyeon frowns, but Minseok continues before it turns into a full blown pout. 

“We’ll use the one that has you in the middle. Don’t worry, ‘Myeonnie, we can pick them out together.” Minseok throws in a wink for good measure and Junmyeon relents. 

“Foul!” Jongdae screeches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear its taken me a solid ten years to write this for some reason.. tfw still not satisfied but posts anyways
> 
> preview of what is to come:  
> luhan's internet search history: "WHICH EAR IS THE GAY EAR"


	2. kyungsoo's mind games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> luhan realizes things

“Everyone is gonna be able to see your face, Chanyeol.” 

“Personally, I feel like it’s a face everyone deserves to see.” Chanyeol stops packing to strike a pose and Jongdae rolls his eyes behind his sunglasses. 

“Just don’t come running to me when your face is suddenly plastered all over town with a bounty.” 

“Yeah, right,” Chanyeol scoffs, zipping up his duffel bag. “As if anyone is gonna be able to spot me when I have _these_ on.” Lifting up a long leg, he props it on the foot of his bed and showcases his pants with jazz hands. 

“…Black camouflage?” 

“I know, I know. You’re impressed.”

“Not really.” 

Sehun knocks on the open door, not sparing a glance inside as his other hand taps at his phone screen. 

“Finish up, losers. We’re heading out.” With a flick of his hair, he continues on and Chanyeol stares after him. 

“He knows we’re older than him, right?” 

Jongdae shrugs and pulls his turtleneck up to cover the lower half of his face. Chanyeol thinks he hears him mutter “Brat,” under his breath before he walks out, and he scrambles to grab his bag as he sprints after him.

 

 

 

 

“Okay, everyone!” Junmyeon claps his hands together in a fruitless attempt to garner everyone’s attention. “Time for a head count!” 

No one turns to look at him save for Minseok and Junmyeon sighs, taking his sunglasses off to rub at his eyes. Minseok sends him a sympathetic look (as far as he can tell, anyways—he’s also wearing a pair of dark shades) and walks over to straighten his coat, patting his shoulders in a comforting gesture. 

“Stay strong, Junmyeon,” he says quietly. Junmyeon nods resolutely. 

Minseok clears his throat loudly, the sound ricocheting off the walls of the parking lot. 

“Line up.” 

The noise dies down as a messy line is formed. Some people get shoved and Baekhyun is smacked upside the head once, but eventually the rest of the members shuffle into their positions. Minseok and Junmyeon start counting. 

“Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo stands perfectly still in his puffy winter coat, unmoving even when Junmyeon waves his hand in front of his face. 

“Kyungsoo, take your earphones out. Kyungsoo. Headphones.” Junmyeon mimics taking something out of his ear and lifts Kyungsoo’s beanie over his eyes only to find him sound asleep. Baekhyun, standing next to him, tugs an earbud out of his ear and Kyungsoo’s eyes shoot open the same time as his elbow nails Baekhyun in the stomach. 

Baekhyun keels over with a moan, bag slipping from his shoulder and snapback falling from his head. 

“Uhhhg…I’ve been shot…” 

Yixing crouches down and picks up the hat, placing it back on Baekhyun’s head. Jongdae snickers into his turtleneck further down the line with his hands shoved in his pockets, and Junmyeon walks past them, shaking his head. Sehun sports a similar turtleneck look except with a leather jacket, and he tugs the collar down when Junmyeon reaches him. 

“Jongdae stole my look,” he accuses. 

“Oh shut up,” Jongdae scoffs. “I was finished and ready to go an entire hour before you. Even if I did steal your look, I’d still wear it better!” 

Jongin catches an affronted Sehun just before he hits the concrete, a muffled yell coming from behind his black facemask. Junmyeon throws his hands up in the air (he’s been doing that a lot recently).

“Sehun! I told you to stop doing the death drop thing! One day you’re going to get yourself seriously hurt.” 

“Only people who don’t know how to do it get themselves hurt,” Sehun says, still lying in Jongin’s arms. 

“Just because your drag friends on television do it doesn’t mean you have to.” 

“I’m on the floor already, but if I wasn’t I’d do the drop again.”

“It looks kinda cool,” Kris mumbles, and Luhan puts a hand on his shoulder.

“No, dude. Not a chance in hell.” 

“..You’re right.” 

A shout comes from the end of the line and Junmyeon whips his head around. Chanyeol is clutching his duffel bag tightly in his arms and Tao’s face is red. 

“You guys okay?” He walks over quickly. 

“Chanyeol can’t keep his crap to himself,” Tao huffs. “What do you even have in that bag?” 

“Stuff,” Chanyeol mumbles, knuckles turning white. Tao tries to pry the bag from his hands and he yelps. “Beach stuff! Water guns!”

“What? Why?”

“I thought we were going to the beach..? You said something about a beach.”

“Uh, no I didn’t.”

“You did! I heard you,” Chanyeol insists. 

“I said, ‘We’re gonna kill that bitch’.” 

“Well, shit.” 

 

 

 

 

“So let me get this straight. What you’re—What you’re trying to tell me is that, you’re going to do this entire mission, with just water guns?” Baekhyun barely manages to finish his question, too preoccupied with stifling his laughter. “And you don’t even have any water to put in them?”

Chanyeol slumps in the passenger seat. 

“Doesn’t anyone have anything I can borrow?” 

“Kyungsoo probably has a bunch of knives in the car,” Jongdae points out.

“Why do I always have to be in a car with you three?” Kyungsoo groans, stopping at a red light. “One day I’m going to crash this minivan.” 

“Can we go to Starbucks?” Sehun calls from the very back. Jongin is checking under his seat for a knife. 

“No,” Chanyeol calls back. “We’re not going to Starbucks.”

“Bitch.”

 

 

 

 

Minseok sits uncomfortably in the back seat, Tao leaning on one shoulder and Luhan staring at him intently. He tries not to move too much—Tao is fast asleep, and God help anyone who tries to wake Tao before he’s ready. Junmyeon is in the passenger seat, reading directions to Kris, and Yixing is leaning into the front of the car to fiddle with the radio. 

“Luhan…” Minseok begins. “Are you okay?” 

Luhan doesn’t respond, seemingly transfixed. Minseok is used to his stares, but it’s been a solid fifteen minutes and he’s too afraid to look him in the eye but he’s pretty sure Luhan hasn’t blinked. 

“Luhan.” Minseok snaps his fingers and Luhan jumps. 

“What?” 

“I said, are you okay?” 

“..Yeah. Just spaced out.”

Luhan makes an effort to look straight ahead, throwing badly disguised glances at Minseok when he thinks he’s not looking, and it’s more irritating than having him unabashedly stare. 

“Kris, Kris, Kris!! Red light! RED LIGHT!!!” 

Kris slams his foot down on the breaks and launches Yixing straight into the dashboard. Junmyeon screams. Tao snores.

 

 

 

 

“Okay, so there are security cameras here, here, and…here.” Jongin shakes out the blueprint, Jongdae leaning over his shoulder with a black marker. 

“Anyone have a cuticle pusher? Or a coffee stirrer? I forgot to bring mine—Never mind, I’ll go ask Minseok. He probably has some.” Muttering to himself, Baekhyun climbs over Jongin and Jongdae, exiting the car. 

“Hey, watch it!” Jongdae yells after him. “You could’ve ruined the map!” 

Luhan sticks his head through the window, shades pulled down on his nose. 

“You two done yet? Mission starts in ten minutes and we need those cameras disabled.” 

“Stop trying to rush perfection, man,” Jongdae waves him off, pulling out his laptop and other equipment. 

Luhan rolls his eyes and goes back to observing Minseok, who’s now trying to tell Baekhyun that just because he likes coffee does not mean he carries stirrers with him everywhere. He’s positive that something is different about him, but staring at Minseok too much earlier only served to made him kind of lightheaded. 

Yixing is sitting on the hood of one of the minivans, ice pack held to his cheek and some tissues stuffed up his nose. Sehun and Tao are crowded around him as he briefs them on his new invention. 

“It’s called the death drop,” Yixing explains in a nasally tone. Sehun rolls the unassuming vial around in his hands. The liquid inside is a pale blue shade and if he were to be honest, it looks like diluted mouthwash. 

“What does it do?” Tao takes a photo of the bottle to post on Instagram later. 

“One drop and you go out like a light.”

“So do you just get knocked out or do you die?” 

Yixing tugs some bloodied tissues out of nose to inspect them. 

“Remember that one time I slept for three days straight and Kyungsoo tried to bury me alive because he thought I was dead?” 

“Yeah, that was last week,” Sehun nods.

“I had some of the death drop.”

“You tried it on yourself? You could have literally died.”

Yixing shrugs and flips the ice pack.

“Hardcore, ge,” Tao whistles. 

 

 

“I’m just gonna have a healthy post-breakfast snack..” Chanyeol grabs a mysterious tin foil package from his duffel bag and unwraps it.

“Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll up?” Kyungsoo takes one step away from him.

“I mean, technically it’s called a breakfast burrito, but yeah.” 

“You’re stupid.”

“..That’s it?”

“Oh, give it time. It’ll eat at you,” Kyungsoo promises, walking away in search of someone more sane. 

 

 

 

 

“I can’t believe you guys really let me just walk into this dangerous building unarmed.”

“You have a water gun,” Jongdae cackles through his headpiece. “You’ll be fine.”

“I don’t have any water!” Chanyeol complains. 

“I put some of Yixing’s poison in your gun,” Sehun tells him. 

“What a waste,” Tao laments from his end of the line. “We all know Chanyeol can’t aim for shit.” 

“Language!” Junmyeon’s voice crackles through. 

In the safety of the minivan, Jongdae’s fingers fly across his keyboard at lightning speed. Jongin sits next to him with a book he hasn’t been able to concentrate on for the past ten minutes. Finally, he dog ears the page he was on and closes it. 

“Hey Jongdae, why am I just sitting in the car? I want to help everyone retrieve ancient text from the middle east too.”

“Who told you that’s what we’re doing?” Jongdae snickers.

“Sehun. Why?”

“No reason. Just wondering. And don’t worry, you’re already helping us ‘retrieve ancient text from the middle east’,” he reassures with an excessive amount of air quotes. 

 

 

 

 

“Hey Baekhyun, am I stupid?” 

Baekhyun grabs the water gun out of Chanyeol’s hands and shoots before realizing it’s not an actual gun. He hits the guard’s face with the end of the gun instead, rendering him unconscious. “Shit. Now’s not a good time, Yeol.” 

“Just give me an honest answer.” 

Handing the gun back to Chanyeol, Baekhyun lugs the body into a nearby closet and shoves it in unceremoniously. Wiping his hands on his pants, he runs a hand through his hair and checks his watch.

“Yeah, a little bit.” 

“Damn him.” 

 

 

 

 

“Oh my god, Tao. Look.” Sehun pulls Tao into a room by his sleeve. “It’s a dog! This dude has a dog!” 

“Uh, we don’t have time to be distracted,” Tao reminds him. 

“Kandy with a “K”. What kind of a dumbass name for a dog is that?” Sehun is hunched down by the dog’s cage and petting it. 

“Hey, I like that name.”

“It’s a stripper name, Tao. It’s literally a stripper name.”

“Whatever. Can we move on now?”

“Hell no! Do you see this dump? Vivi does not deserve this.”

“Who?”

“The dog, Tao! Keep up!” 

“I thought you just said its name is Kandy.”

“Yeah, and then I said it was a dumbass name. So I gave him a new one.”

Tao walks towards the door to make sure no one else has come around. Sehun is still playing with the dog. 

“Right…you realize he’s not your dog?”

“I’m taking him home with me.”

“Junmyeon will have your head.”

Sehun rolls his eyes, but Jongdae’s voice coming through their earpieces cuts him off. 

“Guys, fall back. We’ve got a problem.” 

 

 

 

 

“Shit, Kris,” Junmyeon wheezes. Kris’s arm is slung over his shoulder and his feet are dragging along the floor. “Why the hell did you do that?”

“You were about to get shot,” Kris slurs. “I can walk by myself.” 

“I’m wearing a bulletproof vest! You know, like I always do? God, it’s like I’m talking to a bag of rocks.” 

“I like rocks. Rocks are cool.” 

“We were this close to finishing the mission,” Junmyeon rambles. “This damn close, and you had to go get yourself shot with a tranquilizer dart. Couldn’t you have at least waited until afterwards or something?”

“You know what else is cool? Trappist-1. I wanna go someday.” 

“Where are Minseok and Luhan?!” Junmyeon hisses into his mouthpiece. “Tell them to get over here _now_.” 

 

 

When Kris opens his eyes again, he’s back on the couch with Junmyeon and Minseok standing over him, the disappointment radiating off of them in waves. He rubs his head and looks around before sitting up. 

“I told you I was good to drive.” 

“Dumbass…I drove, and you sat in the passenger seat steering with a paper plate,” Junmyeon sighs.

“Well…did we at least finish the mission?”

“Have a guess,” Minseok responds drily. 

“Yes?”

“Have another guess.”

 

* * *

 

Luhan wakes up in a cold sweat halfway through the night and leaps out of bed to run to Yixing’s room and shake him awake. It takes a good five minutes, but eventually Yixing cracks open an eye. 

“It’s three in the morning, Luhan,” he mumbles into his pillow. 

“I figured it out! I finally realized!” Luhan’s eyes are wide and he’s getting his sweaty hands all over Yixing’s comforter. “Minseok didn’t wear his beanie today!” 

“..Okay…”

“He always wears his beanie when we go out for missions. You know, identity protection and all that. But not today!” 

“Are you going somewhere with this?”

“Minseok got a _piercing_! It’s on his left ear! He wasn’t wearing a hat because it would irritate his ear!” 

“Good work, detective.” Yixing rolls onto his side and closes his eyes. “Good night.” 

Luhan rolls him back. 

“When did he get his ears pierced, Yixing? When? How long have I been blind?!” 

“Nnn…” Yixing wonders why he lives one door down from Luhan. 

“Oh my god. Xing…” 

“What now?” Yixing only opens his eyes again because Luhan’s hands are no longer on his shoulders and he kind of sounds like he just got the wind knocked out of him. Through his bleary vision, he squints and can just barely make out Luhan kneeling on the floor, pale as death. 

“Which ear is the gay ear?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made you guys wait a literal month for this im so sorry omfg  
> i hope it was worth it


	3. korean jesus is chinese

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> minseok realizes things

“We gotta tell him,” Baekhyun sighs, leaning against the kitchen doorframe.

“No frickin’ way. You crazy or something?” Jongdae hisses. 

Jongin stops in the middle of the hallway, math worksheets in hand. He’s on his way to ask whoever is still in the house for help, and he knows it’s wrong to eavesdrop, but Kyungsoo has been telling him that he needs to step up his intel gathering skills so he decides it couldn’t hurt to listen in a bit.

“I just…can’t believe Sehun is adopted. You sure?” Baekhyun blurts. Jongin freezes over, a look of confusion and disbelief on his face. Jongdae quickly follows up. 

“Yeah, we found him in the park when he was just a baby. He was taped to the swing set and we just took him and gave him to a random family. Anyways, we’re meeting up with the others now, so we better get going.”

“Are you sure we shouldn’t say anything?” 

The two exit the kitchen, rounding the corner with smoothies in hand. Jongin quickly retreats into the shadows of the hallway when Baekhyun glances over his shoulder, praying he wasn’t spotted. 

Math is the last thing on his mind when Luhan bumps into him and drops his phone. 

“Shit! You scared me, Jongin! What are you doing in the dark?” Luhan grumbles and picks up his phone, inspecting the screen for cracks. He flips on the lights and notices the papers in Jongin’s hands. “Oh. Homework, huh. What do you need help with again?” 

“Was Sehun really found taped to the swings at the park as a child?” Jongin can’t help the burning curiosity in him. He needs to know. 

“What?”

“I heard..that he’s adopted.” 

“Who the hell told you that nonsense?” 

Jongin sighs in relief, feeling a huge weight being lifted off his chest. He immediately relaxes, a smile making its way onto his face. 

“Of course. I knew it couldn’t be true—“ 

“We found Sehun in a dumpster.” 

Jongin gapes like a fish out of water and Luhan gives him a weird look, going back to his phone. 

“Anyways, I’ll be in Minseok’s—I mean, I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

 

 

 

 

“Left ear buccaneer, right ear queer. Left is right, right is wrong. Ugh, Which one is it?!” 

Luhan paces near the television as Tao and Yixing sprawl across the couch, observing him. Kris is in the kitchen attempting to figure out how to use a microwave so he can make popcorn for Movie Night, a certified China Line only event. So far, he’s been unsuccessful in actually popping corn, but he has managed to change the time on the clock.

“Is it just me, or has Luhan seemed more out of it than usual these past few weeks?” Tao stage whispers to Yixing, but Luhan is so far gone in his thoughts he wouldn’t have heard him if he had yelled through a megaphone. 

“Nah, you’re right,” Yixing nods. Tao raises an eyebrow. 

“You gonna tell me what’s going on or are you gonna make me guess?” 

“It’s Minseok.” 

“Duh. Be more specific.” 

“Luhan’s convinced there’s a hidden meaning behind his choice of having his left ear pierced. He’s been going off the walls trying to decipher the code, says it’ll save his life or something.” 

“I don’t get it,” Tao deadpans. 

Kris’s phone he left on the coffee table lights up and Yixing swipes it, inputting the passcode deftly. Tao peers over his shoulder to read the text received and snickers before snatching it out of his hands and typing something into the message box. He tosses it back onto the table just as a scream emerges from the kitchen. 

“FIRE!” 

 

 

 

 

_[yehet]: am i adopted_

_[the guy who might be my father]: ask ur mom loser_

 

 

 

 

“Anyone mind explaining why Chanyeol has been missing for the past three days?” 

Junmyeon crosses his arms and waits for a response, but all he receives are blank stares. Baekhyun picks at his nails and Minseok slaps his hands. 

“Anyone mind explaining why you haven’t done the groceries?” Jongdae drawls, arms spread out on the table. “There are twelve Korean men living in this building.” 

“Minseok’s Chinese,” Baekhyun reminds him. 

“I’m really not.” 

Baekhyun strokes his chin thoughtfully and Minseok rolls his eyes. 

“Anyways..Chanyeol’s not missing. I saw him the other day in the kitchen.” 

“When was this?”

“Around three in the morning?”

“Insomnia acting up?” Junmyeon frowns as Minseok shrugs. 

“Yeah. But like I said, he’s alright.” 

“Did he say anything to you?”

“Well, I asked him where he’s been off to and he said something along the lines of…’I’m going to slather my naked body in baby oil and roll myself down the bowling lane, past the pins, and down into the secret back room where you can meet Jesus on Tuesdays’ and at that point I sort of stopped listening.” 

“Wow,” Jongdae shakes his head. “I am…not surprised.” 

“Minseok…” Junmyeon begins, “Will you come with me to get him? I have a feeling we’re gonna need a familiar face when dealing with the owners.” 

“My boyfriend is so popular,” Baekhyun whistles after Minseok as he follows Junmyeon out. 

“Not your boyfriend.”

 

 

 

 

“Can I ask you something?” Luhan drums his fingers on the tabletop as Kyungsoo rifles through the cabinets. 

“No,” comes the blunt response. 

“Cool. So which ear do you think is the gay ear?”

“Neither.” 

“So…you don’t think Minseok is gay?” 

“Luhan,” Kyungsoo sighs, opening the fridge and finding nothing, “do you have your ears pierced?” 

“No.” 

“Alright. Are you gay?” 

“..Yeah.” 

“Then there’s your answer. Now if you talk to me again today, I’ll cut you. Gotta go track down stupid Junmyeon and his credit card,” Kyungsoo mutters under his breath. 

 

 

 

 

“I’m glad you’re always here for me,” Chanyeol confesses at the rack of bowling balls. A slightly muffled voice responds. 

“Only on Tuesdays,” it says. 

“Why do you work at a bowling place, Jesus?” 

“Hmm…it’s fun and the extra money is nice,” the disembodied voice responds. “I can use it to buy popsicles for me and the people I live with.” 

“Whoa.” Chanyeol scratches his head. “That’s really nice of you. My friend buys me popsicles sometimes.” 

“Chanyeol? Are you down here?” 

Junmyeon, shielding his eyes with his hands, descends the stairs into the storage room with Minseok following close behind him. Chanyeol gets up from his position on the floor in surprise, confusion splashed on his face. 

“..Junmyeon?” 

“Chanyeol, are you decent?”

Chanyeol looks down at himself. 

“I have underwear on. But I lost my shirt.” 

Junmyeon uncovers his eyes and Minseok raises an eyebrow. 

“Care to explain to us what the everloving fuck you’re doing down here?” Two pairs of arms cross and Chanyeol starts sweating a bit. 

“Just talking with Jesus and perfecting my bowling skills.” 

“He’s getting really good,” says the voice floating out from behind the rack of freshly shined bowling balls. 

Junmyeon pales. 

“Is that Jesus?”

“…I’m pretty sure that’s Yixing,” Minseok says slowly, walking over to the racks. Yixing emerges from the mountain of multi-colored balls, dressed in a garishly striped outfit, holding cleaning spray and a rag.

Chanyeol’s jaw drops. 

“Oh my god. You’re Jesus?!” 

Yixing frowns. 

“No, I’m Yixing.”

 

 

 

 

“This is stupid,” Sehun complains. “Only Jongin would be gullible enough to believe you guys.”

“Um, says the one who texted Kris to double check they weren’t adopted. Kris isn’t even your real dad, you dumbass,” Baekhyun reminds him, flicking his forehead. 

“That was Jongin!” Sehun flushes, and Kyungsoo cuts off Baekhyun before he can start arguing. 

“Shut up. What matters right now is that I’m hungry as hell and Junmyeon’s money is nowhere to be found.” 

“Hey, I’m hungry too,” Jongdae whines. 

“Make that three,” Baekhyun adds. 

“I could really go for some nachos,” Kyungsoo muses. “The ones I get when I go to the movie theaters alone.” 

“Gross,” Baekhyun sticks his tongue out. “I pity a man who does not know how real nachos should taste!” 

“Who cares? We should get bulgogi.” Jongdae reaches for his phone as Baekhyun stops him with a hand on his shoulder and speaks solemnly, delivering a devastating line. 

“The only delivery service open right now is pizza.” 

“What the fuck. We just had that!” 

“Silence, hoe,” Kyungsoo shushes Jongdae. “There’s gotta be another solution.” 

“Uh, did Kyungsoo just call me a hoe?” 

“Irrelevant.” 

The three sit in silence for awhile, the only sound coming from the living room, where Sehun had migrated to play his phone games. 

“We should get Sehun to pick up take out,” Jongdae suddenly says. “It’s perfect. This is what he was born to do. As the maknae, this is Sehun’s life mission.” 

“Jongdae, you’re a fucking genius,” Baekhyun crows. Kyungsoo nods approvingly. 

“Make sure he doesn't forget the nachos.” 

 

 

 

 

Luhan paces nervously. He’s not ready. Yes, he’s been preparing for this moment for almost two years now, but it doesn’t mean he’s ready. He’s not even sure if Minseok feels the same way. 

Frustrated, he sits down on the bed and groans. Minseok would be home at any moment—he needed to pull himself together, fast. Running through his confession one more time, he starts listing the pros and cons to a relationship. 

“We’ve been intimate with each other for a long time, we’ve known each other for longer, and it just makes sense. Yeah, it makes sense. I mean, if he didn’t like me he probably would’ve said something already. Or maybe my dick in his ass made it awkward. Okay but still, he could’ve told me after. And he would’ve! Because he’s a good person—“ 

“Luhan?” Minseok walks in and Luhan immediately stands up. “Tao told me you had to talk to me about something?” 

“Uh….yeah.” 

“Okay. So what is it?” Minseok takes off his jacket and drapes it over his chair. “Everything okay?”

Luhan’s quiet as he watches Minseok run a hand through his hair, wishing he was the one doing that. Something clicks in his brain when Minseok turns his eyes onto him, bright and attentive.

“I like you,” he blurts without thinking. Well, there goes his carefully crafted speech. 

“I like you too. Anything else?” 

Luhan frowns.

“No, I mean it. I love you, Minseok.” 

“I don’t get it. I love you too, Luhan.” 

“No! I’m gay!” 

“Yes, I know,” Minseok says, a little exasperated. “And I’m bisexual. What’s your point?” 

“We—We should date, because I’m in love with you and I have been for the past two years and I think you like me too because if you wouldn’t then why would you let me fu—“ 

“Whoa, Luhan. Slow down.” Minseok places his hands on his shoulders and gently guides him back into a sitting position. “Why are you asking me out when we’re already dating?” 

“I—What?” Luhan splutters, completely caught off guard. “We are? Dating?” 

“For a year already. Were we not?” 

“Why didn’t you tell me, Minseok?!”

“Well, shit. I thought, I mean, I just thought that we were. You know. I don’t know, everyone thought so too and so I sort of..” 

“Oh my god. Oh my god. So the ear piercing wasn’t a sign?” 

“What? Lu, I think we should have a proper talk about…this. You hungry for dinner?” 

Luhan looks up. 

“Sehun just brought back takeout for some of the others.” 

Minseok shakes his head and lets out a little laugh. Luhan feels his insides turn to mush. 

“No, I meant dinner just for us. Somewhere nice.” 

“Somewhere nice?” Luhan parrots. 

“I’m asking you out on a proper date, Luhan. So please don’t let me embarrass myself further and just say yes, okay?” 

Luhan thinks he couldn’t be happier when he pulls Minseok into his arms for a hug with a breathless yes. 

 

 

 

“Hey, do you guys want some nachos—Oh my god, gross!! I’m calling the fucking police! Kyungsoo, get my phone! They’re sucking face again!” Jongdae screeches before slamming the door shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmMMMMMMM im back like two months later with a weird and disjointed chapter???  
> IM SORRY 
> 
> this marks the end of the gay ear  
> but never fear  
> for this also marks the beginning of unlocking everyone's tragic backstories   
> stay tuned for part three of There's Nothing Wrong With Making an Honest Living Selling Illegal Drugs and Killing People, or simply just the book gang au  
> and be warned, for the crack is only in the present and future, but not the past...
> 
> in other words, please prepare for angst.
> 
> thank you for reading!! <3


End file.
